“This is what it feels like when your dreams come true.” The phrase has been bouncing around in my head for the past five months. It started after we made the decision to move to Montana. It was a bold, conscious step into something we felt we were being called to. A place where we could let the roots of our dreams take hold and be nourished. By societal standards the decision we made was illogical. We didn’t have the money to move, didn’t have a job to move to, didn’t even have a place to point to in Montana when we made the commitment to leave. But Radical Love doesn’t really subscribe to societal standards. And both Erica and I have had enough of our worst fears come true and survived them to know that trying is what matters most. So, we committed to being in a near constant state of change since March of this year.
The phrase’s arrival surprised me. It came up at the most unexpected of times. I’m not sure if you’re like me, but I am FULL of stories of people getting to the mountain top as the sun rises and there is a 360 degree sweeping image with dramatic emotive stringed instruments. Or the huge, body shaking big-teared release that happens in a driveway when you get that letter you have been waiting for. Or, perhaps my favorite of all, the unknown prodigy getting discovered by a teacher/director/producer who changes their life on the spot. That is what I was taught it felt like when your dreams were coming true. Turns out, I was way more emotionally invested in those stories coming true than I knew. Because these were not the moments when “this is what it feels like when your dreams come true” would pop in my head. Let's just say that it created a lot of tension.
Instead the phrase would find me during moments of utter exhaustion. It would creep in during times of doubt, where I was questioning my entire life purpose and whether or not it was ‘worth it’ to leave Arizona for Montana. I had intense ‘this is what it feels like' moments when I had to ask for financial support over and over (and still do). Right before I left Arizona to come to Montana there was a rift in my spiritual support system–the message? You guessed it. “This is what it feels like when your dreams come true.” Fuck, really?! And I got really angry. Really?! THIS is what it feels like? My dreams are coming true? But this hurts, this is horrible, I am exhausted, I feel like a stupid piece of shit for even trying this!
AND. My dreams were coming true. All of these big emotions and doubts and fears were right in my face daily and my dreams were coming true. Montana was making it possible. Support came when it was needed most. Prayers were being answered while I was simultaneously being gutted by loss and past traumas. Money would flow while I was simultaneously crippled by fear. As more and more of these situations continued to present themselves the phrase which started as a taunt began to take new life. The outrage turned to curiosity. Wait–this is what it feels like when my dreams are coming true? That curiosity transformed again into reassurance. The voice saying that phrase began as my voice (my old stories, wounds, programming) and then slowly transformed into the voice of Great Spirit. This was a teaching, not a taunt. This was divine support showing up when it was needed.
My favorite example of the profound clarity that this message brought to me happened in May. I was on my last trip up to Montana for ceremony work before moving. It was the first night of a two night earth ceremony and I had 15 amazing, brave humans circled up doing their work. About midway through the experience someone came up to me and whispered, “Andy I am so sorry but the toilet just overflowed.” No problem, I thought. A quick plunge and clean and we will be on our way. Except the problem was much larger, not quick and there was a quarter inch of toilet water on the floor. And there was no mop. And there was a ceremony going on. “This is what it feels like when your dreams are coming true.” Talk about divine timing! All I could do was laugh. I rolled up my pants, found two towels and got to work. My two colleagues even came in and asked if they could help. I told both of them no, that I needed to complete this on my own. Little did they know, my dreams were coming true at that moment. I made it through, cleaned up the mess then cleaned myself up and returned to the ceremony.
In the shamanic tradition that I built my mesa in there are two forces of energy: Hoocha and Sami. They act much like Yin and Yang. Hoocha is the heavy dense energy that collects in our wounded places. It isn’t evil, just heavy and if enough of it collects it can create imbalance in our energy body, often leading to illness. Sami is the opposite of hoocha. It is divine light, a tool of illumination. It balances out the heaviness of hoocha with its lightness. So sloshing around in the toilet water during the ceremony, I realized this: Even when your dreams are coming true you’ve got to deal with the shit of life. And the whole experience is a lot more enjoyable when you can dance in the hoocha, when you can honor it and tend to it just like you would any other part of life. It is that dance with Great Spirit that gifts us the tools we need to actualize our dreams without illusion. Outside the reach of those fairytales of heroes, jackpot winners and extremely lucky humans. “This is what it feels like when your dreams come true.” Thank you for the teaching, thank you for the role you have played in helping me, thank you for reading and being open to this message. Keep up the good work, I love you!